So, now?

April 8, 2012 Posted by panica

Now I’m 27, yes that’s my real age. Why I said like an older; hear me when I’m saying this: There is no difference between living at the age 58 and living at 27 with feeling 58. This stupid illness has a strong affect of getting someone far away from life to detah; aging  and aging all the time. But, it is not hopeless, I’m the real example.

 

I’m married; no longer fights at home. Thanks to God, there is a woman who doesn’t give up smiling all the time, who I admire for her patience. My job is going well at the same time; I got an advancement. Bosses are giving trust, I can feel with their lookings in eyes; it must be, because they are noticing the shine of  this man’s ore. Short to say, it is like a life of eagle; if his nest is warm & safe, most probably he will have success in daily huntings; where is a man’s happiness, in his woman.

 

Perhaps you got bored when reading; I sunmmarized all my life in short words. But I found it very necessary before mentioning about cure & treatment methods. Perhaps you may have these experiences, and think about what caused it for you. If any similarity exists, perhaps you will get a clue for reasons and it will most probably be helpful after your real treatment. You will learn those not to have a panic life after you completely got the cure. So, open your ears now.

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Confusion & Chaos: Body starting to react

March 23, 2012 Posted by panica

Times of our marriage decision with my wife was that when we were trying to resolve our souls and trying to create hybrid colour combining our different parts. But all your life isn’t about marriage, right? At the same days, I was also exhausting myself with working late hours for my critical project in office at nights, when trying to describe my lifestyle to my wife at daylight. I was consuming my brain, I was going offline; no energy left at nights after a fully-loaded day. I was meeting loneliness with returning to home every night. I wasn’t naturally an angel, an extraordinary powerful mutant or a skillful healthy sportsman. So, my consuming life energy, stressful brain and past traumas was driving me to a deeper follow faster than ever. I found myself head over heels inside a car where your brake pedal broken, that can’t even describe my speed of falling. I couldn’t stand for a while.

- 10-15 times, I went to ER

- 1 time tachycardia with 20 degrees of blood pressure

- 2 days carried holter device. That’s hell where you can’t sleep, device calculating your BP within each 15 minutes, even nights

- Took advice from 4-5 different doctors.

- Had gastritis, stomach writhe in pain.

- Forced my fiancée to several attacks of crying.

- Broke 3 mobile phones, 4 cups, 1 keyboard.

- Had a serious fight in office.

- Depressed all my lovers, bored with my hate.

- Spent above 2000 dollars to psychiatric drugs & doctors.

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Next: Find a girl

March 17, 2012 Posted by panica

A man’s next quest after finding a job, is to find an eternal friend, if possible. I was a man cultured with eastern tradition, what i need was love & reliability. But outside life was a bit different; also in a metropole, marriage word was an old word deleted from human life, the most valuable relation was to find a one-night girl and another in next weekend in my city. Those were ones I cannot believe and live. City was against my lifestyle about opposite sex relations. That period was the traumatic life term of me, lasting until I’ve met my dearest of my life.

Age of depression finished at that time, when I met my wife. That was the moment I realized how much I could change my life with a little decision spark. I was planning something where my coevals were throwing their engage-rings easily as throwing grenades to their and their families’ lives.

Woman is different and difficult to understand, especially when you want to learn what she wants. It is the main test of man; your patience and love is being examined, evaluated if you plan to marry with that woman in future. That is an exam you cannot have even in army. This life is above all wars and warzones, also this war of man is not being done with just bullet and courage. You must fire carefully, because you have insufficient bullet in most times. What is your bullet? Your love.

If you fall in love, throw yourself from somewhere high. You will not hurt, because your breath is her breath after now, yoor body is meaningless. Just you feel presence of your heart, where heart and brain change their positions. I’ve so so much exhausted in period of love, in studies of persuading my darling to marriage, telling my love to herself in real words, she was really tough. Now i’m just laughing when remembered, what a youth fire it is…

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First mission: Find a home, Find a job !!

March 3, 2012 Posted by panica

After a very exhaustive army life, after shouts, gun sounds, psychopatic friends, it was time to attempt to real world. That was not a conservative world like army, if you want to live, you must fight, that was the only one similarity between them, even if I never shoot one bullet in army. You must use your bullets economically in real life, I know that.

The city Isparta, a pure heaven, where I lived my childhood, city of Izmir, where I’d gone to university, city of relax & vacation, finally Trabzon, a forest city, city of green. After all I left behind, I was in hell, Istanbul. The biggest population, biggest crowd. This hell couldn’t be a heaven for someone saw the heavens with naked eye. In a metropole, if you have bags of money, you are the king, you know. But in opposite, you are a slave and it is not under your control whether to tight or loose your collar.

My first home was dramatically awful, that was normal according to your fund level. Roof was colorful with moisture, water couldn’t reach to 4.floor, pouring drop by drop. The attic was full of pigeons, I’d lived for a long time with hearing their steps at midnights. Robbers was showing themselves at later nights, I was sleeping after trapping door-behinds with voice-maker material, and a knife under my pillow. Also if work life of newbie was hard enough to make life unliveable for him, at the early beginning of his career, something would happen if he succeeded at getting over with those problematic period. But if you believe, you can at least get through with problem, you cannot think future at that time, unique problem is to survive at that moment.

 

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Trying to Recover

February 22, 2012 Posted by panica

Heart attack didn’t kill my father, killed us more. Like every patient, my father was forced to have a pschiatric treatment for a long time. When mom wasn’t near to him, he was getting mad at level of losing control; naturally this becoming fear cannot be compared with one of attack moment. That fear couldn’t be forgotten in whole his life. We must have support endless; we couldn’t reject any of his requests. Because it was matter of seconds for him to break and get into a depression.

In future levels of treatment, father began to gain his lost control while his anxiety attacks were slowing down. But, remember that, human brain is evil, it can lead your body to misery level by level & easily. We had so many problems with my father’s brain; envying mom at that age from others, taking a hand on every inner house work in critisizing way (mom’s works), restrictions to mom’s social life in order to gain control, you understand what like a hell was. Also un you understood who was carrying heaviest, my mom. Woman of misery, I named mom for these times, added a new child to his children and his name was: my father. Naturally, all this stress exhausted mom after a short time, she’s like angel but not she is it. Like any human, she has a mental & body capacity. She had psychiatric treatment too, before learning that she had heart problems after my father’s crysis, and a treatment for heart & vessel system.

These times, I was very friend of my mom, only friend. I listened every past problems she had in her younger times, past traumas & father’s daily momentary attacks. In my very young age, I listened carefully & joy. When my age’s children was having contacts with opposite sex, buying latest techno-machines & prouding, and mastering a sport or an art socially. What I have to say, I don’t feel any regret, if you have a problem, you must tell someone, talk about it, this is a charge of anti-stress. This was my duty to my mother.

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Destruction, Depression

February 18, 2012 Posted by panica

It was the summer I was seeking a job thirstily. I reached that moment after a brain-splitting hard education term: I’d not washed my hair for 2 weeks beacuse of exam crowd, it was also difficult to live in a student-house i that ages. Whatever, I gave my final thesis and closed the doors of university. My body was hungry for a colourful holiday, there I go to Gökçeada, a lone island washed only with its own natural beauty heaven, best island of Turkey. You go there not just for swimming, watching squirrels on trees, trekking, delicious local food and forest climate next to a clean island water of Marmara Sea.

 

That was the enjoyful part where before my worst experince came to my door. My father was writhing in pain felt to floor; mom was in shock, cannot move. First time death was asking to my father if he’s ready for him, mom was first time smelling death with naked eye. A man felt in front of you, even countless fights he had with you, shouted upper decibels unfair, but this was the end, his man was falling. That shocked woman of faith. One was left, the only one who can handle this destruction with touching the event, that was finally me. When I was trying to motivate my father to leave alive, I was also trying mom to get out from shock. When I noticed , it’s getting worse, I ran for finding a car to carry father to hospital. We found that, whatever we reached hospital, that was first important destruction of mom, first tear falling to her face when doctor said it was a heart attack and get ready for everytinhg. After-shakes would be coming to her directly in treatment times, in psychological mean. That was a quake shaking all of us with reminding that death was near than everything and life was so easy to undertand. Quakes are different to adapt, especially if it is shaking those beautiful walls you heated with love of your family, and especially you bound to see this destruction day by day, hour by hour…

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University, that’s it !

February 15, 2012 Posted by panica

I was finally a panicless computer engineer; what I really wanted happened, I reached my ideal. That is easy to say but hard to do. This is good until you see youngers earning 3 times of yours in very shorter time than you spent, when your ideal hopeful imaginations fell. This is another subject, naturally.

 

I went to university in Izmir, 3rd largest metropole of Turkey. The city every young man should live within a period of his life… Words are not enough to mention about. University life was a unique gift; everywhere & everyone was young. There was at least one person can listen what you told. There were readers; who can read a book in his young life. You may not understand this matter, nowadays I feel very bad about the number of book readers beyond facebook followers. Whatever, finishing a talkitive fight about politics was so so easier than high school; those were civilized people, they can talk & communicate. They can unite or separate in thoughts, that’s not problem which is done. I talked every man in campus, every nation, every religion, every thought. When I graduated, there were people thanked me for my connective behaviours, I thanked for their support for very kind of their frienships.

 

I was happy with meeting these civilized friends even if I had so troubles with some academics, after I said a professor shouldn’t pee without closing WC door, I’m still happy to say that face to face. If that happens now, this time I shout same sentences. Because if you wanna be heard, you must shout, a sentence from army.

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Youth & Need for Love

February 14, 2012 Posted by panica

I look positive to teenage loves, even how stupid they are. This is a requirement; a metting. First approach, first warming. This is same for all man grew inside vagabonds or all girls lived in barbies.

 

High school I went, was one of the richest, where university knaves running after girls of our school, and this situation was making our boys not stand across girls. Compare simply, cool smart guys vs our nerd school boys. I, the one who didn’t contact with girls too much, was choosing boyfriends as target teammates. The main chat subjects were classic: Football, Formula 1 and girls. If this man loves a girl first time in this school and in this mood, it will be a big problematic meeting with opposite sex. It took 10 months to talk about my feelings to girl I liked, but it was so funny when the girl came to our date with her boyfriend, from university. Can you see shame level? :) I’d done my bravest action of my life, talked to her when her boyfriend went out for a smoke break for 5 minutes. Isn’ı it cool? Result is zero, in addition her boyfriend threatened me at phone before my best important exam. The exam where I need my self-confidence mostly. Let’s say that, this subject was closed for me years years ago. Now, you suppose that, but reality is different; your brain cannot forget that easily. Remember that !!!

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Start of Misery

February 11, 2012 Posted by panica

That was a year my self-confidence was burning with an unlimited fuel of unknown. People admiring my decision-making skills directed me 3 or more new job opportunities after a short period of employment, just 3-4 months. One day I heard something from a friend of mine, it was that: He thinks, I had no inner-voice that makes me aim to any negative statement. That makes sense because people around me were struggling with problems with anxieties, worries and full-stress, I had no. There was no sign of any mental problems or any other disease, just health. So, what did happen to this man, me, a full live powered man turned into a super-anxious panic, going to emergency service every night, fearing of heart attacks because of successively coming panic attacks?

 

It didn’t start in a specific point. All past traumatic experiences are perfect faithful servants of panic disorders. What I felt bad in past, collected and combined in my brain, slowly by years. When my body reached a level of emergency, where it cannot carry burden of painful stress, the signs of false-alarmed brain showed themselves in very nasty stuations. Even if I had a very shiny past like I mentioned above…

 

Coming from high-school… Sorry if I’d gone to so so past, but I think this is necessary. I never contacted any stupid fight in school but those fights are best entertaining parts of school life. 8-10 cool guys covers 2 stupid kids and make them fight with an easy reason they invented. A bastard comes to stage and says to another that other cursed to his mother and etc.. I didn’t stop them anytime, they were sirs of school, try to touch, and eat the beat, a group covers you, takes your money, kicks your ass strongly to remind that moment. So I tried so many times, I attended to separate fighters. This means you are the killjoy. One day bastard group will target you, and one of them will give you pain. This happened one day, I got a strong slap from one, all people enjoyed except me. Tail girls of group laughed and cried for victory, that an enemy of them falled to floor with blood.

 

I was an adolescent, I created many reasons for this cruelty. Thought that richness gave them this power, this bastardness. I thought fathers of all didn’t give any ethic rules, there was no family injection made to them. I still reexamine this style of thinking but that time, a word of a 40 years-old man said something that makes me to start thinking again. He said if you grow your child as a snob, no one can crush in real life. What I evaluated from this sentence was : Olders may be really stupid and adolescent for their ages, it’s not the age, the individual development.

 

Every crush I had was a step of autistic inner closing; and end of this way, what I saw was not the light, it was the separation from human around you and sticking with my virtual best friend, my inner voice.

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